Saturday, October 16, 2010
Swingin with Biggs
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Antiques Road-Joe!!!!
Hey all! Me and Jare(that's short for Jerry Reed) are hosting a special edition of The Antique Roadshow, Joe edition! All sorts of growth stunted mutants have brought their "rare" garbage to be evaluated. Some of this crap needs to be dumped in a volcano or pooped on by a giant, but we hate to disappoint all the crazies and HISSTANK members who came here with their whacking material.
Here, Prudence Doty brought her prototype Terrordrome. Hasbro revealed this in 1979, but China was still a third world country and couldn't produce it.When its assembled, Miss Doty gets naked and pulls a "King Kong" on it ass! Jerry appraised this piece of garbage at $15 for insurance purposes. Miss Doty was appraised at, "Euthanize Please."
Here's a classic from 1987. Its the Baroness's Lesbian Euro-trash Cottage. This was complete with chained up Gimps, Asian cooks and hunchbacks. This only stayed on shelves for two weeks before Hasbro recalled it after it was found to have tarantulas and scorpions in the well. I appraised it at " Give me that fucking thing or I will jam your dumb ass into my trunk and push my 8 dodge Aries into the ocean!" I think thats a fair evaluation.
This is the elusive 1984 accessory pack. This one came with Mutt's carrots, Doc's corn, Blowtorch's jalapenos, and Tripwire's mice! Jerry valued this at $79! This marketed towards the retarded kids who ate plastic.
Wow! "Baby Tommy Ariskagenagetichongkongphooeygaglanceito"! This was the precursor to the world famous, Sigma Six line that everyone still collects and plays with. Little Tommy featured bilingual cursing, chopsticks and a changeable diaper with both Asian and Anglo poops! A bunch of these came alive and killed some kids so Hasbro gave each family $75 bucks and pulled em off the shelves here in America. Canada still sells them, along with "Whale eating, innuit, rapist Stalker". Valued at "Beef Jerky and Guns"? Jerry is drunk and sad.
OOOOH! The Doctor Brian Bender prototype! This thing was fucked up, even for 1987! I had a dream this thing was chewing on my penis and spitting the pieces into a Fruity Pebbles box. This ain't for sale because it is made of voodoo magic and Panda hair.
The Sigma Six accessory pack was made of ghosts and whiskey and anyone who touched turned into one of these:
The most valuable item brought here today was this..."Crankcase's Pussy Wagon". Hasbro made this right before that asshole, Larry Hama decided to kill Crankcase. This was a deluxe vehicle with the following features;
-glovebox filled with rubbers
-French police siren
-dead alien in trunk
-working tape deck
-booster seat for Tunnel Rat
I valued this at a gazillion thousand three
Wow! "Baby Tommy Ariskagenagetichongkongphooeygaglanceito"! This was the precursor to the world famous, Sigma Six line that everyone still collects and plays with. Little Tommy featured bilingual cursing, chopsticks and a changeable diaper with both Asian and Anglo poops! A bunch of these came alive and killed some kids so Hasbro gave each family $75 bucks and pulled em off the shelves here in America. Canada still sells them, along with "Whale eating, innuit, rapist Stalker". Valued at "Beef Jerky and Guns"? Jerry is drunk and sad.
-glovebox filled with rubbers
-French police siren
-dead alien in trunk
-working tape deck
-booster seat for Tunnel Rat
I valued this at a gazillion thousand three
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Amputees, Lazy Eyes and Black Dolls
Amputees, lazy eyes and little black baby dolls
Jerry Reed and me were out cruising in our rickshaw last night and came across some odd ducks in downtown Plymouth. We saw two different freaks with missing limbs. One bizarro was missing a leg and the other muto had one of those creepy stub-arms. The mutant with the stub-arm, which had one deformed finger, was an otherwise hot chick! I have been accused of many things, but no one has ever said, "Phil Larry Potter dates hot chicks with stubby, deformed dinosaur arms.". It has been said that I sodomize sleeping negro hookers, then steal the bills from their titty purses, but I don't date mutos!
Seriously! Look at this circus devil! She has to attach her hairbrush to a fucking 2x4...and HOW can she tweak her own nipples??????
Stubby legs, I can handle...just throw her in a pair of hip waders, and nobody's the wiser;)
When I encounter folks who are missing pieces of themselves, I don't know what I'm supposed to be looking at. Do these freaks want me to look them in the eyes like real humans, or do they want me stare at their defromities to remind them of why they should have been buried alive at birth??? I just don't know! Jerry Reed says:
"Give those freaks a job at the seal tank!"
I don't know what Jerry means by that, but he's usually drunk. What about lazy eyes??? Which fucking eye do I look at when I am forced to talk to one of these degenerates? Do I look at the sideways one, the one looking at me?
Oh, man...to be this poor bastard. Besides a lazy eye, the fools obviously borderline Mongoloid! Jerry made this here list of ways to identify a Mongoloid:
Finally...the last of today's topics, "Black Toys". Why does every toy made to look like negroes have to be so accurate? Remember when black toys were just white toys, but repainted?
This is the worst! A Gary Coleman/ Forrest Whitaker doll! Why the fuck does it have to have lazy eyes AND those lips?? I just know Jerry Reed is going to buy one of these booby dolls and hide it under my bed, then tell me a nickel rolled under the bed, then.....BAM! I'll have a heart attack and die.
THE END
When I encounter folks who are missing pieces of themselves, I don't know what I'm supposed to be looking at. Do these freaks want me to look them in the eyes like real humans, or do they want me stare at their defromities to remind them of why they should have been buried alive at birth??? I just don't know! Jerry Reed says:
I don't know what Jerry means by that, but he's usually drunk. What about lazy eyes??? Which fucking eye do I look at when I am forced to talk to one of these degenerates? Do I look at the sideways one, the one looking at me?
THE END
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Why Johnny Turk is afraid of midgets
Johnny Turk HATES midgets, and so do Jerry and me! I can handle ones with arms that aren't too short, and ones with normal foreheads, but these guys are the worst
At least this one washes! Sometimes I wish I was a midget, so I could wear baby pajamas again. getting back to the foreheads...they just look wrong. Even with $200 haircuts, you can't fix that mutant noggin.
What do we call midgets? I don't want to call them "little people"! These are little people
I don't want to mess with my kids and have them thinking that their toys are midgets! I think when midgets act happy, they are faking. You can't be that small AND happy! Its impossible. I'm surprised there's not more homeless, drunk midgets on the streets. They'd be great pan handlers...they could pretend to be little vagrant children.
Jerry and I were dumpster diving behind a strip club last week and heard a raucus. I gave Jerry ten fingers and he saw this
This guy had the greatest stage name, ever..."Tiny man with the black hat". It was a straight forward name and he was raking in the fucking tips! Come to think of it, midgets can always get work being tossed. This explains why there aren't more hobo midgets.
In the end, I love midgets. They make me feel better about myself. I know some coalminer hillbillies that love midget hookers, but the thought of a midget girl touching my pee-pee makes my ding a ling crawl up into my stomach to hide. Yucky!
At least this one washes! Sometimes I wish I was a midget, so I could wear baby pajamas again. getting back to the foreheads...they just look wrong. Even with $200 haircuts, you can't fix that mutant noggin.
What do we call midgets? I don't want to call them "little people"! These are little people
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
PLEASE!!! Kill Yourselves!
Hey there, Jerry again. Phil Larry is hiding from creditors in his parent's summer cottage in Maine. That means Ole Jerry is da boss! The people I would like to see kill themselves are the bizarre devils who posted the following items at Joedios:
Is this guy insane? I read this and thought that the poor bastard's autistic. David Julian responded humorously with this:
Actually funny, right? To ruin this joke comes some dickless runt saying:
"LOL! You're right! How about those anime-style girls. There are some in 1:18 scale, no?"
Death at Midnite comes back with this...further reinforcing my belief that he is a gay, mongoloid eunuch:
"I have used gashapon figures in the past. There are some nice ones with long evening gowns. I not sure if T R U in central world survived, but that's where i found them. "
This penis picker calls himself a man? The only dames that Jerry and Phil Larry collect are chained in the basement, pending payment! I am sick of these nerds making the rest of us look bad. I have a call in to some friends of mine who, specifically, hate nerds who are also autistic and drive subarus...
"Greetings,
Question: if you were to bile a set to be used as a secret cobra intelligence base, who would lead it, man it, what sort of defense, and how many numbers of personnel?
Let's say the purpose of the base is not on the front lines... but more like an information center, gathering information from outposts around the world, or just around a region."
Question: if you were to bile a set to be used as a secret cobra intelligence base, who would lead it, man it, what sort of defense, and how many numbers of personnel?
Let's say the purpose of the base is not on the front lines... but more like an information center, gathering information from outposts around the world, or just around a region."
__________________
*~~~{==========- Death at Midnight -==========}~~~*
*~~~{==========- Death at Midnight -==========}~~~*
Here ya go, you goofy FUCK! If I were some jet-setting asian tycoon like yourself, who spends his days masturbating with a garlic press and ordering brides through the mail, this is the fort I'd make! I'd staff it with Epic Steven's 40 billion vipers(v1) and then I'd pay Donald, the hobo on the corner, to pee his bloody ooze he calls urine all over it and then torch it! "Death at Midnight"...what a stupid fucking topic! You and your concubine, Footloose, should go shoot some gay porn in a light box and DIE!
Thats not even the worst topic, try this one...
"Greetings mortals!
Within days I'll be in Thailand. Specifically, besides Bangkok, I'll also be out in the remote country up in the mountains at about cloud level. During this time there won't be any way I could contact anyone--no cell phone signal, net access, or anything. Not even my new Droid phone with it's ability to generate a wireless hotspot will be useful. All I'll have is me, a camera, and my team of Joes.
But that's what I need your help in choosing. Which Joes to assign on my team? If you remember, Shipwreck and Chuckles have been on assignment in Thailand since December 2009. Hawk has just received word that they finally uncovered the location of Cobra in South Asia and also uncovered sensitive data on Cobra's secret operations there. This data will definately be useful to stopping Cobra's most recent diabolical plans. But which Joes do you think should go on this mission to retrieve Shipwreck and Chuckles? There is only room for two to three Joes for this mission.
Also, Cobra most certainly will attempt to stop us from reaching the rendezvous point in the Thailand mountains. But which Cobras would we encounter?
Your help/advice needed on which Joes to take and which Cobra's to take. I'll not take a lot with me, so two or three of each at the most.
http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=5639658099629481091
Current candidates: POC Duke and Beachhead, POC Firefly. Any ninjas?
Deadline to give feedback will be Thursday night, 8/12/2010, midnight Central Standard Time. Afterwhich the mission will proceed. Any feedback after will be too late."
Within days I'll be in Thailand. Specifically, besides Bangkok, I'll also be out in the remote country up in the mountains at about cloud level. During this time there won't be any way I could contact anyone--no cell phone signal, net access, or anything. Not even my new Droid phone with it's ability to generate a wireless hotspot will be useful. All I'll have is me, a camera, and my team of Joes.
But that's what I need your help in choosing. Which Joes to assign on my team? If you remember, Shipwreck and Chuckles have been on assignment in Thailand since December 2009. Hawk has just received word that they finally uncovered the location of Cobra in South Asia and also uncovered sensitive data on Cobra's secret operations there. This data will definately be useful to stopping Cobra's most recent diabolical plans. But which Joes do you think should go on this mission to retrieve Shipwreck and Chuckles? There is only room for two to three Joes for this mission.
Also, Cobra most certainly will attempt to stop us from reaching the rendezvous point in the Thailand mountains. But which Cobras would we encounter?
Your help/advice needed on which Joes to take and which Cobra's to take. I'll not take a lot with me, so two or three of each at the most.
http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=5639658099629481091
Current candidates: POC Duke and Beachhead, POC Firefly. Any ninjas?
Deadline to give feedback will be Thursday night, 8/12/2010, midnight Central Standard Time. Afterwhich the mission will proceed. Any feedback after will be too late."
Is this guy insane? I read this and thought that the poor bastard's autistic. David Julian responded humorously with this:
"You definitely need some hookers for Shippy & Chucks in Bangkok."
Actually funny, right? To ruin this joke comes some dickless runt saying:
"LOL! You're right! How about those anime-style girls. There are some in 1:18 scale, no?"
Death at Midnite comes back with this...further reinforcing my belief that he is a gay, mongoloid eunuch:
"I have used gashapon figures in the past. There are some nice ones with long evening gowns. I not sure if T R U in central world survived, but that's where i found them. "
This penis picker calls himself a man? The only dames that Jerry and Phil Larry collect are chained in the basement, pending payment! I am sick of these nerds making the rest of us look bad. I have a call in to some friends of mine who, specifically, hate nerds who are also autistic and drive subarus...
These guys are trying to make Asians cool again. Fools like Death at Midnight, who refuses to ever give his real name, even when he's posting in a "introduce yourself" thread, have helped lose cred for our driving deficient friends in the East!
Monday, August 23, 2010
Only Assholes Cut Their Own Hair!!!
Hey y'all...Phil Larry Potter, here! If you happen to cut your own hair and it comes out okay, you're still an asshole! Pay the $12 and go to Pro Sluts and enjoy getting your scalp buried in nasty bosoms. I was trimming my nose hairs this morning and got to thinking about Flowbee! Yeah, what geniuses at Flowbee Corp! They convinced every coal miner and cheapskate to hook a robot scissor to your Hoover! Holy shit! Genius.
Look at this goofy fuck! You know, I can't give limo drivers shit, they gotta look good too, plus, I get my toot from a limo driver. Aldo Coctosen...helluva driver and when he drops off your toot, he throws in a hoagie and Sprite! Back to the haircuts...the assholes that bought a flowbee are the same assholes who wear their clothes in the shower to wash them! Instead of buying a pack of cancer sticks, go downtown and find a kindly, old Italian or Portuguese barber, just get there before 5A.M....otherwise you'll be waiting for an hour. My biggest fear was that flowbee would eat me!
In the end, I can see some clueless joe getting one because they don't know any better and they post a lot on Hisstank.com, but dames buying these???? Maybe if you're going for the unkempt look??? I don't know. I prefer ladies with short, post-chemo locks. No hair, no fuss!
Serves her right! Good writtens!
Friday, August 20, 2010
Qand A with Prudence Doty
Jerry-Prudence...how do you take a shit, sitting still or buck naked, charging through a corn field?
Prudence-Move, move, move....that's what its all about.....just don't forget to stop and admire the things around you while your moving through them.
Jerry-prudence, are there any celebrities, besides Carrot Top, that you'd like to stalk?
- Prudence-Bonnie Hunt........funny, entertaining and a refreshing joy to watch. I think I found a new 'best buddy' to hang with!!
- Jerry-Prudence, do you have anything to say to children who are dying from terminal illnesses?
- Prudence-Who's up for some 'livin life'?!?
- Jerry-Miss Doty, are you aware of the trend where people are calling giant, black penises "sparks"?
- Prudence-Y'know that *spark* that hits ya like a bolt of lightning? Can somebody send that my way?? Thanks!
- Jerry-Prudence, what do you yell when someone is pounding on the shitter door and you have a turtle head poking from your blistered asshole?
- Prudence-Time, time, time......Give me just a little more time............all I ask is for more time......
- Jerry-Miss Doty, do you have anything to say to Michael Richards...the actor who portrayed Kramer on Seinfeld?
- Prudence-Michael, I just don't want to say goodbye.......but I want you to find peace-the peace you wished for the world......All My Love......thanks
- Jerry-Prudence, do you have any imaginary friends that had restraining orders against you?
- Prudence-Michael Jackson........I miss my friend so much.
- Jerry-Can you describe your attitude towards Adolph Hitler and Glenn Beck?
- Prudence-Focus on the legacy of genius........
- Jerry-Prudence, you are aware that Michael Jackson was a retarded pedophile...right?
- Prudence-Is it almost a week already that the world lost a genius? My GOD.......
- Jerry-Prudence, have you seen the clip on Youtube of Janet Reno, crashing an award ceremony for some brothers and falling drunk on her ass?
- Prudence-Janet walking onto the BET Awards stage.........tore me up completely. God Bless
- Jerry-Prudence, are you a homophobe?
- Prudence-Rain, rain go away........
- Jerry-Are you aware that some of your fellow employees at IHOP have filed complaints against you for taking incredibly long shits and stinking up the joint?
- Prudence-I get that there's a 'time constraint'....but seriously, let's give some of the great ones a little leeway.......
- Jerry-are you gay for Carrie Fisher?
- Prudence-I am sooooooooooo going to see Carrie on Broadway this fall.......*birthday present*, hint, hint......
- Jerry-So, you're a big old dyke?
- Prudence-LIZA! LIZA LIZA! Judy is smiling down........w00t!!
- Jerry-Prudence...my final question. Are you remorseful for stalking and setting fire to Tony Danza?
- Prudence-Wow.....the Tony's are really ON FIRE tonight!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Scooters for the elderly suck!
Chimps! They rule, when they're not eating faces off dames. Chimps dressed up like people, doing people jobs...that cracks me up every time!
Friday, August 13, 2010
Flies On My Food!
I fucking hate flies! Worse than mosquitoes! Mosquitoes don't try and steal my damn food and if they manage to get a quart of my fatty blood before i notice...god bless em! Flies, though, they're dirty and sneaky and i believe that they aren't even eating the food they land on! No! I believe they just like to land, take a dump, plant some eggs and screw. I hate them! Who loves ticks? NOT ME! They latch on and drink till they explode...that makes no sense to me, so obviously they are the invention of either Satan or Ben Franklin. What bugs DO I like? Well, I am partial to giant beetles, as long as they don't bite. Crickets can be fun and grasshoppers can be entertaining. The best bug ever has to be this guy
He's just misunderstood! All he wanted was a little foot rub and she runs away! WTF!
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